About this episode
From time to time I get questions from our anonymous Have A Question page. I received one a bit ago that I thought would be good to answer in its own post because this is a feeling that’s common to a lot of marriages. I’ve heard this same complaint, with very minor variations, from many husbands and some wives.
And like this person, if you don’t know what’s going on, it can lead to some bad assumptions. Maybe this has happened in your marriage. Here’s the question:
Am I going crazy or is my wife subtly sabotaging things?
I’ve often pointed out to my wife that there’s a clear distinction in how she approaches our plans based on whether it’s something she really wants or it wasn’t really her idea. I’ve seen her move mountains and leap over obstacles in some areas of our life together. But in others she’s a never ending fount of potential issues, problems and risks. They seem reliably separable into categories of what she really wants and what I possibly want more.
One area, I see this and is making me feel like I’m going crazy, is our sex life. If we’re going on a holiday and she wants to have a lot of sex, she will plan ahead, bring outfits, lube and be very vocal about it. It’s great, fantastic even. If it’s a regular day we’ve scheduled sex, she won’t exactly say no, but the likelihood of some kind of ailment popping up just on time is about 75%. Tiredness, tummy/digestive problems, a slight cough or cold; just enough to be a dampener.
I particularly enjoy going down on her, but upon approach she will just mention something wrong. (some version of “I haven’t washed up” or “I had an upset stomach earlier”). I like to make out, but after the first peck she’ll says something like “Not too much though, I was getting some sniffles yesterday”. Moreso in the past, she would physically behave like someone who would rather not be touched, as an almost knee jerk reaction to my affection. It’s just too much of a coincidence that when we’re getting intimate she will bring up some of the most off putting topics in a way that perfectly sabotages the mood for me. Sometimes it’ll just be something completely unrelated and left field.
We do talk a lot, so I don’t think it’s a case of just needing some time to offload. We spend an abnormal amount of time together, talk at multiple points during the day and usually a lot in the evenings too. I know she really likes to talk, and I’m willing to be a listening ear but help me out here!
I have raised this with her. She has previously denied it happens at all. She has admitted it now, when I’ve pointed it out in the moment. She has explained some particular situations. She has apologised. She rejects my rationale th
